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Manuel de Layet [Celluloid 01.16.17] action comedy thriller

Holy bleeding christ on a flaming porcupine... here is a level of mediocrity I haven't seen since The Book and I'd rather not write about it. After all, even the most scathing review is still publicity and this should stay unheard of.

That said, let's assess the damage.

The synopsis of Bad Kids of Crestview Academy goes like this: "Detention sucks but it's killer fun. It's four years later, and a new group of students has been placed in Saturday detention at the infamous and prestigious Crestview Academy. When Siouxsie, sophomore "undercrust," crashes the party to avenge her sister's death, a Saturday detention reserved for the privileged seniors of Crestview Academy turns into a date in hell. It's not long before a naïve pussycat, gay drug dealer, smokin' hot preacher's daughter, squeaky-clean senator's son, and the uninvited younger outsider find themselves locked-up in school with no way out, wondering who (or what) has set them up. Hilarity and suspense ensue while each "bad kid" pits one against the other, and one by one each falls victim to absurdly gruesome "accidents" while trying to escape (based on the best-selling graphic novel sequel "Bad Kids Go 2 Hell")."

The number of red flags in that little bit of text is astounding and the trailer looked like it had all the good bits of the movie mashed together but, misguided as I am, there was hope for some cheezy fun. Girls in slutty school uniforms, bad CGI gunflares approximately plastered around and a complete lack of plot can be entertaining after all.

I sat through it twice to be sure of what was unfolding under my wary eyes. It was so painful to watch it had to be done in increments. On the first play through, the mind reeling away to anything else, trying to escape the ordeal (unexpected side effect: Bad Kids of Crestview Academy is a pretty good household-chores motivator). The whole is an un-repenting mess of flash-back, flash-sides and bits of background story from the previous installment of the franchise, infuriatingly intertwined with cartoon sequences when the director's vision was a magnitude above the budget or the skill of their makeup artist.

Worst part of the experience? There's nothing to write about. There is no character development and you can moor a supertanker with the script and be sure nothing out of a category 4 typhoon will make it move. Each sequence is set up the same way, in a never ending tide of predictability and boredom. As far as the culling goes, "Absurdly gruesome" is stretching both terms to the point of breaking. Add to all that an attempt at being self-aware without ever succeeding, and underlying semiotics plainly being "politicians are bad", with a generous side-helping of "rich people are bad". *insert doge meme: "So much edge. Such social consciousness."*

It does boggle my mind that something as halfarsed as Bad Kids of Crestview Academy even managed to get produced, because as it is right now one cannot fathom who on Earth can actually enjoy watching this outside of thirteen years old boys who main Reaper in Overwatch.

Recommended Release: The Faculty

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